Does Death Make You Uncomfortable?

One year ago:
Every waking moment was spent in that little hospital room,
but she was alive.

Now:
I come and go as I please,
but she’s gone.

I am not myself these days.
I’m too busy missing her
to focus on me.

Sorry if I’m a bitch.
It’s been a rough year.
And the fact that it’s been a year
makes it so much harder.

Maybe I’ll boycott Christmas this year.
My first without her.
Why celebrate that?

I wish I was a hermit.

Quirky

Interesting little quirk of mine:
When I eat things most finger foods – baby carrots, cheese sticks, chips sometimes, things like that – I never eat the end that I hold while I’m eating it. I bite off almost to the end and then set the end aside.

I know, weird.

So I turned in my two weeks to Burlington today. A lot of shit happened and a lot of shit IS happening, and I wanted to get out before it gets really bad. Not to mention that I’m just not happy there, AND it doesn’t pay very well.. I hate the idea of job hunting again but ultimately I think it’ll be worth it. I will miss the discount, though (all 10%…).

Double Whammy

Mother’s Day just so happens to fall on the four-month anniversary of my mom’s death.

Good thing I’m off work that day…

True Story

Two years ago, I took off my shoes and ran through the elementary school playground barefoot. It was nearly 4am and the grass was soaking wet, a mix of dew and recycled lake water from the sprinklers. I was completely alone, swinging on the monkey bars and slipping off the balance beam. Eventually I wandered away from the playground, shoes in hand, jeans soaked to the knee. A puddle had formed in the parking lot and I ran towards and it jumped – SPLASH – right into the middle. It was childish and spontaneous and a little gross, but I didn’t care.

I was happy.

Disgusting

Facing the mirror,
Eyes squeezed shut.
Imagining bones
Peeking out from skin.
Clavicles extruding.
Hipbones poking.
A child.
Turning away,
Ashamed.

Quick Ref

[x] I’m 18.
[x] It’s normal to hear the contraction y’all where I live.
[x] My best friend is my fiance…
[x]…but my darling puppy is a close second.
[x] I enjoy being drunk.
[x] I do not enjoy partying.
[x] Photography is my biggest passion.
[x] I’ll be the first to correct your grammar mistakes.
[x] I’ve never lived alone.
[x] My mom died of ovarian cancer on January 13.
[x] I’ve long fought an uphill battle with anxiety.
[x] I never leave the house without putting on eyeliner.

Some of these facts are vital to understand my psyche, some are not. If you keep reading, you may get to figure out which ones are which.